Hi wordpress, i’m back.

Exams are over which means Year 2 Sem 1 is over and done with WOOHOO! I must say, year 2 is really out to kill. Year 2 freaking stress the hell out of me; projects, workload, modules, every frikin’ thing. No wonder when I look in the mirror all I spot is white hair and heavy eye bags. Havin’ to deal with all these, can’t sleep well, can’t have a life. Well, whoever say poly is easy must have a badass GPA. I really need to pray hard mine, already very low from the start, don’t fall even more. Sometimes, I think I’m not very smart after all. Like my last term, I studied so hard and my GPA resulted the same, really saddens me. And now in y2, when my laziness and zero motivation kicks in… hahahahahaha.

Holidays have started. My first poly hols without Richie. Feels so different. Gotta deal with it though, just gotta deal with all the miseries in my life which makes me so tired already.

Can I just run away already?

So I’m single once again. If you ask me how does it feels to be away from Richie… well. To start it off, I can’t care for the person that I once cared so much for already, and it really pains me because.. I don’t know why not being able to care pains me, but it just do. It’s like I cannot be there for him any more all the time like I used to, and even though I very much still want to, I can’t. Vice versa, I don’t have someone to care for me any more. No one to ask me how my day goes, or hear things that happen, or to scold me for eating so much unhealthy food.

I don’t know why, but I feel I don’t really need a large group of friends, but just a few people that actually cares.

You see, all my life I’ve been that replaceable to everybody. My good friends just forget me, my old and once so close “bros” or “sis” just moving on with their life like I didn’t matter. When I first got together with Richie, the only reason why my life changed so much was because someone actually genuinely cared for me. Which is why i started loving him with all my heart and soul. He wasn’t just any other guy like I talked to, just talking to me or going out with me because they were bored. I never had someone like this in my life before, going all out for me, looking out for me, or just want to know about me. There isn’t anyone  excited to see me.

He loved me, I just wanted to reciprocate. It turns out, he rebuked it. Who knew things would change, people and situation would change.  During the “honey moon” period, where things are always sweet and lovely,  everything seemed perfect. It’s after that period, where you really know that if all these are love or just mere infatuation. When you truly love someone, and after you got to see all the ugliness, flaws of the person and imperfection of the person’s past, you’ll still see perfection in that person. Despite how much they have done you wrong, you never want to let them stand alone, or hurt them. That’s not because you’re stupid or defenceless, it’s because you truly love them. Love is just so simple, but people made it so complicated, sighs.

Change can be so scary. If it’s change for the good, then well, good. But if not, it just ruins things. Change can make someone I know so well, become a sudden complete stranger.  Richard words affected me so much (usually i really don’t care about what others have to say)  from day one, and it still does. Just suddenly, he speaks so brutally. He was never like this, he was straight forward, but not brutal. He wouldn’t say things that would have hurt me. The Richard I know now, and the Richard I knew back then is really 2 different person.

We can plan for a change in weather and time, I never planned on you changing your mind/
All that I know is I don’t know how to be something you miss

 it’ll take some time for me to open up to someone else again. It wasn’t easy to love someone from the start. I had my walls all built up but built a bridge for someone to cross. took me so long to love and trust, but the bridge was just burned into flames.

Gone.

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