You probably wouldn’t wanna read my rants today.

Can you feel the distance? It’s so near, yet so far. I’ve probably got over self deceiving, becuz i figured it all out. I heard what I need to hear, I saw what i need to see. What’s left is saying what i need to say, or is it better to be left unsaid? but i penned it all down. I did, but the paper wouldn’t be send out. No, not because i don’t have the courage. There’s so many reasons. I don’t know where to start, how to start afresh. Stop assuming y’all know anything or everything. Stop it, i hate this. I’m not so weak, at least i don’t wanna seem to be.  Everything i am trying to do now, probably or perhaps it’s for the best. Why do i feel like a loser then? why do i feel mentally not upright? why do i feel like i’m falling deep deep down, drowning into the seas of others footsteps. I’m here lagging behind, trying to chase up but i can’t. I always feel out of place, though the surroundings feel familiar. Everything is different now? Why is it so hard for me to adapt to the change…

I got back my results today. It demoralize me to the extend that i feel like giving up. I used to hang on so tight, but now i feel debilitated. Where’s the strong, potent, firm lady inside me? Why is it till the final step, after being so determined to finish this marathon for 99km, and just 1 more kilometer away from the finishing line.. why do i feel like i don’t want to go on anymore?  just because i tripped on a stone? Obstacles usually don’t frighten me much. If you must know, this is really embarrassing but i got 32/100 for my chemistry paper. Don’t try comforting me that it’s only mid-years, i only have myself to blame for doing last-minute revisions and i didn’t gave my best. I only have myself to blame for not putting in an effort, for being so useless because i always have the urge to give up. Where is my motivation, determination, willpower, confidence? I’m being such a disappointment to myself, to everyone that held hopes in me.

I fall really hard this time, i felt the intense pain but it’s not stopping me from reaching the finishing line. Just hang in there, just a little more.